The background.

Honestly, I am not sure what came first the poor self-esteem or the weight gain. In my world it's an age old question. I wasn't always heavy or overweight. It started shortly after my brother and I left foster care. It occurred during my teenage years. I returned to my mom only to find out that she had other kids living with her. I was angry because she couldn't take care of us and get clean, but she could for others. It was the year I got teased really badly about my new weight bracket, and my hairstyle.

That following summer I worked out to Denise Austin and ran around my trailer park and lost the weight...my first weight battle. I felt amazing, yet the old demon of drugs returned and so did my desire to hide myself in it. And like most teenagers, I was angry again at myself for believing, for not being enough for my mom, for being mad at all, and for being plain dirty with my self care (personal care - thinking this would encourage her to want to spend time with me). It didn't, it made everyone around me feel dirty and grossed out, but not her. This year in school was about my anger and clothes and Payless shoes. It was a very hard year. My mom wore name brand while her children wore Payless.  I think what officially broke my heart and sent me on the path I am today was when my brother refuse to wear the Payless shoes. He wore the last pair of name brand shoes he had gotten while foster care until his shoes split wide open and you could see all of his toes.

I had just gotten a job. It was in fast food. I took my paycheck and purchased him shoes. It was then I realized just how much you can love someone. I also felt that I should do my very best to care for brothers. So, I put myself on the back burner and did what I need to do to care for them. I started dating a guys years older then myself. He gave me money, bought me things, and helped me unwittingly. Life kept falling apart. No one seem to care. Until, I decided to leave for good. Food was my friend it was there when I needed someone/something to talk to, it was there when I was sad, it was there when all friends I thought I had left me, it was there in all my troubles.

So, what came first the poor self-esteem or the weight gain. I'm not sure, but food was there.